I wanted to link back to a few articles I've written, rather than republish them here.
Babies, Sleep and Sleep Deprivation
The Benefits of No, The Benefits of Yes
Hard Homeschooling
And a general link back to my Articles page.
Happy Reading!
Showing posts with label blogging. Show all posts
Showing posts with label blogging. Show all posts
Friday, 19 March 2010
Tuesday, 9 February 2010
Post the Third: In Which I Accept Who God Made Me
You know one really good thing you do Liz?
You think things through so thoroughly and ask hard questions.
Good on you. You'll get to the bottom of it.
Keep persevering.
Jess, you inspired at least 2/3 of the title of this blog. The last part comes from me resigning myself to who I am. To giving in. This is who I am. I struggle with things and ask big questions and frustrate myself to tears in trying to find answers for them. It's exhausting but I need to keep wrestling with those questions and their answers. And in turn, wrestling with God.
Post the Second: In Which I Ponder Whether This Blog Is Indeed Counter-Productive
I want real friends. With skin on. Friends I can hug and call on the phone and play with their kids and lend books to and cook for and clean their kitchens or hang their washing on the line while we chat. Online buddies are great, but they don't replace real life friends.
But if everyone reads this blog, there wont be a need for real life sharing because they will know what is going on for me already. They will know my pain without being there with me to share the moment. Care for someone after reading about what is going on is very different to caring for someone while they are sharing their pain, right there in the room with you.
If I blog through my pain and my questions and my frustrations, will there be anything left to share? Will it lose its rawness in repetition? Will I make real life friends redundant? Or at least feel redundant?
But if everyone reads this blog, there wont be a need for real life sharing because they will know what is going on for me already. They will know my pain without being there with me to share the moment. Care for someone after reading about what is going on is very different to caring for someone while they are sharing their pain, right there in the room with you.
If I blog through my pain and my questions and my frustrations, will there be anything left to share? Will it lose its rawness in repetition? Will I make real life friends redundant? Or at least feel redundant?
Post the First: In Which I Plunge Head First Into The Deep End
To set the scene.
I've posted on a forum I frequent. It started as a prayer request as my breast-milk supply had dried up. The contributing factors were (largely) antibiotics I was on and reducing my food intake to try to lose weight.
The dear members on the board were trying to encourage me to rest up, take it easy and leave the thought of losing weight for another time.
I've been able to lose some weight (or sometimes all) while breastfeeding, so it's never been an issue. The timing is up to God but there are likely more babies on the horizon. I can't afford to be this heavy and fall pregnant. Especially since I always have a significant amount of weight to lose after the baby.
I don't know how to.
I *know* you're not trying to simplify things and that you are giving me sound advice, especially sound on the information I've given.
**deep breath**
It's not that simple. It never is.
In many ways, I feel like I've gotten into a really good place. Over Christmas we developed a routine using MOTH that keeps the house running nicely, has school taken care of etc. With that and some self-discipline I feel like I am managing my home well and honouring my husband in keeping the house kept up. My house gets disgusting when I am depressed so I can't let it get like that because I don't want to go there again.
I can't let my house get like that again. I am not super obsessively clean in reaction though. Anyone who walked into my house right now would laugh at that proposition. I feel like I have slain some personal demons or conquered some dragons or climbed some mountains or something. All with God's help of course. But it feels like you (or my body or whoever, not accusing you) are asking me to give into those things again. I don't want to give up a hard-won victory.
In a similar vein, I really felt like the antibiotics last week were a gift from God. I had to take them an hour before eating which meant enduring some hunger at times. It was enforced discipline, which enabled me to build better self discipline. I seemed to be conquering my excessive snacking and excessive eating. And now I've had to give into those things once again to be able to feed my baby.
It's not about looking good in a bikini
It's not about vanity. It's not even entirely about health. It goes much deeper than that. It's a spiritual thing and an emotional thing and a "Who I am" thing. I don't want to be fat forever. I don't want that to be a part of my identity. I really felt like I was growing and maturing and becoming something different and better, still me but without this awful baggage and burden I've been carrying around forever. I don't want to go back there.
So when people say "rest. forget about the house work. stop exercising. eat junk and just veg for a while" it's not just saying to take it easy. It's saying to tear down the work I have toiled for. Sure, God is there and has helped me but he never says we're exempt from hard work. I could have only done it through His strength. But it has taken hard work, tears, sweat, prayer, hours out of my life that I can never get back. Sometimes hours that have taken away from other things that are important to me - my dear husband, my four beautiful blessings, my friends (well that's another story)...
It's like if my hubby, who is four years into a degree that will take him five years,start-to-finish, deciding to quit now. We've sacrificed time together, head space, money, family time, and who knows what else, to enable him to study. We believe it is worth the sacrifice for having the degree... but to have sacrificed it all and still have no degree... then all that sacrifice and hard work was for nothing.
Then, in a subsequent post but following on from the first:
Friends. I don't really have many. Not really any IRL that I can be open and honest with. Part of the problem is me. What I'm doing now, the stuff I'm typing now, I can't say it. Or when I do I end up saying stuff in a deadpan sort of way that minimises the pain that is behind it all and so no one takes me seriously. Even DH... of course I share stuff with him but it's either typed or at night, in bed, in the dark. I cry in front of no one except DH. And I used to cry in front of my parents when they yelled at me (not on purpose but that's about the only other time I cry). It's not that I purposely, intentionally stop myself it's just that...I can't. And yet I was in tears numerous times while I wrote that previous post.
There have been relationships in the past where I've been more open and for various reasons they have all fallen apart. One because there was an intentional lack of reciprocity and gradually a purposeful sabotage of the relationship. Which she admitted to and I had no idea about, I just knew that it wasn't working. Everyone has lives of their own and no time to help or chat or ... not be a shoulder to cry on because even if they were available how do you take a relationship from the level of "yeah we have lots in common and we chat well about kids etc when we get together" to deep sharing. Mostly it takes time. But apart from my one lifelong friend who is moving to the US in August, I don't have friends with whom I have years spent with. And everyone is so busy these days.
I came across this quote today - it was just in the comments of a blog post I read here...
I want some IRL friends and I don't want to satisfy myself with "That's not the way our culture works anymore". I don't want to just get together for a playdate and a coffee (or tea
) I want to make real connections and be open and honest and EMOTIONAL with someone. Someone so my husband doesn't have to bear the full burden of my overwhelming-ness. Someone else
Maybe I need my own personal, emotional blog. Still, it doesn't help me find someone to be real with in real life...
So this, dear readers, is the genesis of and purpose for this blog.
I've posted on a forum I frequent. It started as a prayer request as my breast-milk supply had dried up. The contributing factors were (largely) antibiotics I was on and reducing my food intake to try to lose weight.
The dear members on the board were trying to encourage me to rest up, take it easy and leave the thought of losing weight for another time.
Yes, of course it is and you do, but it's surely not that urgent. Many women say they can lose some weight while breastfeeding, but not all of it. I never could.
I've been able to lose some weight (or sometimes all) while breastfeeding, so it's never been an issue. The timing is up to God but there are likely more babies on the horizon. I can't afford to be this heavy and fall pregnant. Especially since I always have a significant amount of weight to lose after the baby.
Liz, slow down and be patient with yourself.
I don't know how to.
Really, give yourself a break.
I *know* you're not trying to simplify things and that you are giving me sound advice, especially sound on the information I've given.
**deep breath**
It's not that simple. It never is.
In many ways, I feel like I've gotten into a really good place. Over Christmas we developed a routine using MOTH that keeps the house running nicely, has school taken care of etc. With that and some self-discipline I feel like I am managing my home well and honouring my husband in keeping the house kept up. My house gets disgusting when I am depressed so I can't let it get like that because I don't want to go there again.
I can't let my house get like that again. I am not super obsessively clean in reaction though. Anyone who walked into my house right now would laugh at that proposition. I feel like I have slain some personal demons or conquered some dragons or climbed some mountains or something. All with God's help of course. But it feels like you (or my body or whoever, not accusing you) are asking me to give into those things again. I don't want to give up a hard-won victory.
In a similar vein, I really felt like the antibiotics last week were a gift from God. I had to take them an hour before eating which meant enduring some hunger at times. It was enforced discipline, which enabled me to build better self discipline. I seemed to be conquering my excessive snacking and excessive eating. And now I've had to give into those things once again to be able to feed my baby.
It's not about looking good in a bikini
It's not about vanity. It's not even entirely about health. It goes much deeper than that. It's a spiritual thing and an emotional thing and a "Who I am" thing. I don't want to be fat forever. I don't want that to be a part of my identity. I really felt like I was growing and maturing and becoming something different and better, still me but without this awful baggage and burden I've been carrying around forever. I don't want to go back there. So when people say "rest. forget about the house work. stop exercising. eat junk and just veg for a while" it's not just saying to take it easy. It's saying to tear down the work I have toiled for. Sure, God is there and has helped me but he never says we're exempt from hard work. I could have only done it through His strength. But it has taken hard work, tears, sweat, prayer, hours out of my life that I can never get back. Sometimes hours that have taken away from other things that are important to me - my dear husband, my four beautiful blessings, my friends (well that's another story)...
It's like if my hubby, who is four years into a degree that will take him five years,start-to-finish, deciding to quit now. We've sacrificed time together, head space, money, family time, and who knows what else, to enable him to study. We believe it is worth the sacrifice for having the degree... but to have sacrificed it all and still have no degree... then all that sacrifice and hard work was for nothing.
Friends. I don't really have many. Not really any IRL that I can be open and honest with. Part of the problem is me. What I'm doing now, the stuff I'm typing now, I can't say it. Or when I do I end up saying stuff in a deadpan sort of way that minimises the pain that is behind it all and so no one takes me seriously. Even DH... of course I share stuff with him but it's either typed or at night, in bed, in the dark. I cry in front of no one except DH. And I used to cry in front of my parents when they yelled at me (not on purpose but that's about the only other time I cry). It's not that I purposely, intentionally stop myself it's just that...I can't. And yet I was in tears numerous times while I wrote that previous post.
There have been relationships in the past where I've been more open and for various reasons they have all fallen apart. One because there was an intentional lack of reciprocity and gradually a purposeful sabotage of the relationship. Which she admitted to and I had no idea about, I just knew that it wasn't working. Everyone has lives of their own and no time to help or chat or ... not be a shoulder to cry on because even if they were available how do you take a relationship from the level of "yeah we have lots in common and we chat well about kids etc when we get together" to deep sharing. Mostly it takes time. But apart from my one lifelong friend who is moving to the US in August, I don't have friends with whom I have years spent with. And everyone is so busy these days.
I came across this quote today - it was just in the comments of a blog post I read here...
"Technology can be friend or foe, but it gets me through the day
sometimes. Naturally, I'd prefer to spend it with realife people, but
that's not the way our culture works anymore, and I can either work
myself into a corner about it, saying there's just nothing I can do for
friends, or I can talk to strangers on my blog"
I want some IRL friends and I don't want to satisfy myself with "That's not the way our culture works anymore". I don't want to just get together for a playdate and a coffee (or tea
) I want to make real connections and be open and honest and EMOTIONAL with someone. Someone so my husband doesn't have to bear the full burden of my overwhelming-ness. Someone else who think(s) things through so thoroughly and ask(s) hard questionswould be nice. Someone who doesn't think I'm crazy when I analyse everything.
Maybe I need my own personal, emotional blog. Still, it doesn't help me find someone to be real with in real life...
So this, dear readers, is the genesis of and purpose for this blog.
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