Post The Fifteenth: I can't get no...

It was only two weeks ago I posted on a forum about being dissatisfied.  It seemed to resolve and yet only a week and a half later (after seeming resolution) it's back with a vengeance.

A few weeks back I wrote some goals, things I'd regret not doing if I was to die... they were:

* Finish two craft projects I'm working on - one for my friend's baby (now completed) and one for my sister's baby.
* Have a book published. Although I decided later that even continuing to have articles published would probably suit me, so I guess continuing to work on my writing and be able to call myself a published writer.
* Be a loving, devoted wife to my wonderful husband.
* Be a great mother to my four (hopefully more!) children.
* Be a good home-maker.
* Teach all my children about God and have them following Him.
* LOVE!!!
* Teach my kids what they need to know about life.
* Learn to speak Spanish fluently.
* Give home-made or hand-made, meaningful gifts, not commercial crap.
* Eat YUMMY nutritious food.
* Laugh lots!
* Have fun.
* Be silly.
* Cuddle and kiss and tickle and touch my kids and my husband.
* Introduce my kids to great books and music.
* Dance and sing and not care what anyone else thinks about it.
* Take a zillion photos of my kids. And my husband and extended family.
* Spend heaps of time with my husband and children.
* Stop being cranky with my family and telling them to go away. (**Note. I don't often tell them literally "go away" although I've been known to on my worst sleep deprived days. But I don't like being a cranky, yelling Mummy, something I'm working on.)
* Go on a missions trip to South America.
* Be a Proverbs 31 woman.
* Live and die without regrets.

I want to be a part of something bigger than just being a homemaker and bringing up children.  I'm not saying those things aren't important because they are important.  I'm definitely not saying I want to stop being those things because I don't.  But I want to be more. 


Perhaps I need to be my own best friend and get some perspective.  Maybe I just need to get better at seeing my small tasks from God's perspective.  I need to work out what gifts God has given me and the work God has given me and stop trying to be someone I am not.  If I know who I am I'll also know who I'm not.  I think.

Post the Thirteenth: In Which Liz Contradicts Herself And Wants More

I found myself ogling the Apple store this morning.  Wanting to buy a Macbook and an iPod.  I've wanted an iPod for ages.  I want a Macbook because...

Because it will transform me into SuperMum who can do everything AND study!  I'll be able to write at will, study at will and keep on top of everything.  Because our possessions say something about us and a Macbook will say that I'm funky.  Intelligent.  Discerning.  Not a frumpy Mummy.  That I'm artsy.  A writer.  A learner.  I'll be able to actually take advantage of the free WiFi spots offered around the place.  Because it will make my life more interesting.

Am I just dreadfully sinful and envious or is there some deep-seated dissatisfaction that I need to deal with?  Or both?

Am I not living out the life God wants me to?  Am I stifling some of who God made me?  Quashing it to live the life I am living now? 

The life of a Stay-At-Home-Mum is where God wants me.  A homemaker and home-schooling parent and devoted wife.  I don't want to change those things, but I want more.  I want to be a person in my own right as well.

Sigh.  When will it end?  Knowing me, never.